The shift that unlocks trust, ownership, and sustainable momentum.
A few months ago, a CEO I coach came to me—frustrated.
“I’ve tried everything—clear expectations, honest feedback, systems. But something’s still off. One of my best people seems like they’ve checked out.”
He truly thought he had tried everything—encouragement, check-ins, accountability, reviews. Nothing worked.
So I asked, “When’s the last time you asked if she’s okay?”
He paused—not because he didn’t care, but because that question had never made it into his leadership playbook.
“Ask if she’s okay?” [insert crinkled, inquisitive look on his face here] “What do you mean?”
I repeated “When’s the last time you asked if she’s okay?”
He said, “I don’t know… never. [pause] What do you think she’ll say?”
“Well, are you okay, is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ kinda question. So, she’ll probably say ‘yes’ or she’ll say ‘no’.” I said with a shrug and a smile.
Turns out, she wasn’t disengaged. She was depleted.
She didn’t need motivation—she needed to feel seen and heard… as a human being.
The Pattern That’s Quietly Undermining You
What most leaders do when someone drops the ball:
- Start with the system: “That’s not acceptable.”
- Move to behavior: “What’s going on with your time management?”
- By this point, they never think to inquire about the human BEING in front of them, because they are so focused on the human DOING.
If they do think to ask, by then, it’s usually too late in the conversation. The walls are already up.
They’re already on defense. You’re already frustrated.
And the conversation becomes about blame instead of forward motion.
Over time, this builds a culture of compliance, not commitment, not co-elevation.
The Model That Changes the Game
Here’s what I share with the leaders and executives I work with:
The most effective and revered leaders align the hierarchy of value:
Intrinsic → Extrinsic → Systemic
- Intrinsic = Who the person is. What they’re experiencing. 🩷
- Extrinsic = What they’re doing. Their performance. ✋
- Systemic = Structures, rules, processes, or commitments that guide next steps. 🧠
Get this order wrong, and you erode energy and trust.
Get it right, and you multiply both.
How the Best Leaders Actually Lead
Let’s say a team member misses a deadline.
Here’s what leading in the correct order sounds like:
- Start with the Intrinsic: “Are you okay?” [Their answer here.] “I noticed you’ve been quiet [or other behavior you’ve noticed].” [NOTE: If you’ve never asked these questions below, don’t be surprised if you get a surprised or skeptical look… It’s okay. Be sincere. Try to walk through whatever door they open. If they don’t open a door, please don’t try to knock it down. Be patient and try again next time. For this round, just move to step 2.
- Then the Extrinsic: “What’s been going on?” “What’s been getting in the way of progress on this project?” “What have you tried?” “What’s been the response or result?”
- Then the Systemic: “Would you like to look at other ways to move forward together?” “With what we’ve discussed, what do you feel would be the best path?” “What might be your plan B?”
When you lead in this order, you get clarity without creating shame.
You build forward momentum without sacrificing standards.
This Isn’t About Being Soft
👉 Let’s be clear:
This approach isn’t about being a doormat or tolerating excuses.
It’s about knowing how to lead and direct emotional energy before you manage behavior.
Because when people feel seen, they stop hiding.
When they feel safe, they stop defending.
And when they trust your presence, they rise to your standard.
This isn’t soft. It’s structured.
This isn’t weakness. It’s your edge.
Why You’ll Still Struggle to Do It
Even when you “know” this… you may still avoid the conversation.
Not because you don’t care—but because your own thoughts and emotions hijack your action.
That’s where the TEAR Model comes in:
Thought → Emotion → Action → Result
If your thought is “This will open a can of worms”, or “I don’t have time for this.”
you’ll feel tension.
You’ll act with pressure, anxiety, or control.
And you’ll get a reaction—but not a relationship.
But if your thought is “Slowing down will help us speed up. I’ll focus on the human being before the human doing. I know this will lead to faster trust and forward momentum.”
you’ll feel grounded.
You’ll lead with presence.
And you’ll get performance that scales beyond you.
The Real Shift: From Managing People to Leading Energy
What if you stopped trying to manage behavior…
and started learning how to lead the energy (emotion = energy in motion) behind it?
You don’t need to push harder.
You need to sequence smarter.
Person → Performance → Process.
That’s how the next-level leader moves.
